[Verse 1]
I been listening to Silverchair
Now, I wish I was a freak
Been reading The River Ophelia
I'd love a masochistic streak
But I am just a normal guy
I even use a capital 'S'
Why, I'd rather tell the papers
That I actually crossdress
Women Who Run With Men Who Hate Wolves
Just left me unimpressed
I'm sure that I'd be happier
If I could be more depressed

[Verse 2]
To get anywhere these days
It seems a problem's a necessity
Your father's gay, heroin's passé
Just another fashion accessory
I tried recovered memory
But that put me in a bind
'Cause I became hypnotically aware
My dad was really kind
You might have once been traumatised
But we're not all similarly blessed
I'm sure that I'd be happier
If I could be more depressed
[Verse 3]
I went along to the men's movement
"Stop crying, girl," they'd shout
Steve Biddulph, who wrote that Manhood book
Got up and punched my fucking lights out
I went along to the women's room
But all I did was get it wrong
I told 'em "Smack Your Bitch Up"
Was my current favourite song
"But The Prodigy's so confronting"
I tried vainly to protest
I'm sure that I'd be happier
If I could be more depressed

[Verse 4]
I lied to the gambling helpline
Said I'd made my family poor
When I asked, "What chance recovery?"
They quoted me 9/4
I rang that Alan Jones guy up
But he couldn't help me either
"You a battler or a bludger?" he said
It turns out, I was neither
"Come back when you're a stereotype
If you wanna be in the press"
I'm sure that I'd be happier
If I could be more depressed
[Verse 5]
Finally I told the wife
The reason I'd been so undemanding
And what was worse, she took it well
And was totally understanding
Those self-destructing relationships
Are simply too much fuss
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
Well, I gotta say, not us
Would you believe I like my kids?
Can you get more mentally messed?
I'm sure that I'd be happier
If I could be more depressed

[Verse 6]
Why is it just so hard for me
To take things way too far?
I'd like to travel beyond good and evil
But first, I gotta wash the car
I'd like to get a nipple ring
And connect it to my dodger
But sometimes it just doesn't seem to suit
A bloke whose name is Roger
I'd be a member of the underclass
But they'd laugh at how I dressed
I'm sure that I'd be happier
If I could be more depressed
[Verse 7]
Oh well, so it looks like I got to give up
My dream of joining the Bad Seeds
Those guys just can't handle confronting concepts
Like "Thanks" and "Please"
Sneaking sixteen things in the 'Twelve items only' aisle
Will be my biggest sin
It's the shopping centre of modern consciousness
That I will stay trapped in
I buy my junk from off the streets
I find the Trading Post's the best
I'm sure that I'd be happier
If I could be more depressed

[Verse 8]
I just know I can't be creative
Why? I'm not depressed enough
Yet I wish I was the guy who wrote
"If You're Creative, Get Stuffed"
There's a competition going on
To have the most painful lives
But the pain you feel from nine to five
I guess don't qualify
Your life might be miserable
But that don't stop your art from being crappier
I'm sure that I would be more depressed
If I wasn't happier