"Julius Seizure – Act 3, Scene 2, Verses 73 to 118"

"Peace! Lo! Let us hear what Anthony can say"
"You gentle Romans–"
"Peace, ho! Let us hear him"

I come to praise, not to bury the shoddy and the rooted
To lament for the passing of those men, safari suited
Who'd flatten you with mindless glee when they got really newted
Behind the bottleshop you'd see the roughest justice done
Yeah, it was assault and battery but with a sense of fun
And a drink together after when the ambulance had come

Who would have thought you'd ever miss the barmaid's brutal snarl
And guys looking at you strange when she says, "What's yours, darl?"
"Wanna go?" is all you recall, before the blow and grand mal
"You got a fucking mouth on ya," those moustached yobs would say
Back when being literate was something to hide away
And being mediocre meant you played in the VFA

But now, now everyone is talking and it's oh so "tres witty"
All those fucking DJs and their flashy repartee
It's always breakfast down in Hell and radio compulsory
From McGuinness to McGuire to Douglas fucking Aiton
There's a whole new type of person that's taking over this damn nation
And I'm not talking some racist crap 'bout Asian immigration
'Cause if you're a yobbo now, you're rooted, no one says, "I'll 'ave ya, pal"
Listen to Adrian Martin, Jon Casimir, et al
Excellence is demanded, or the critics give you hell
Everyone's got a fucking voice, there's personae right and left
They must learn this stuff in school, I mean, what fucking next?
Even the EG cadets crap on, then move to the London desk

Who needs another columnist to point out the thing
'Bout living in the suburbs is it ain't like Berlin? -
Just in case all of you in Melton were ever wondering
I tell you what can get fucked and that's fucking them for starters
If there's one thing we just don't need, it's another mouthy smartarse
Slagging off the guys who wear footy shorts and zappatas

You know what we've swapped them for? People who say, "rad"
And blokes who go round reading books on being a modern dad
Why, everything's so cool these days, I can't even understand Telstra ads
Excellence surround us like a fucking voodoo curse
There's Helen Garner's sister's book, there's all of modern verse
There's world's best practice, and business men talking terse

On mobile phones on a mobile net that reaches round the earth
Everything is excellent, nowadays, there's nothing worse
Than saying "I don't give a shit", you'll be in a fucking hearse
Driven by some consultant git who's analysed your system
And wants to fully integrate you into modern wisdom
He's gonna take you by the balls and flush you down the cistern
You know what killed the ANZACs? It weren't the fucking Turks
It was the Australians coming after them talking up the perks
Of fucking multiskilling and how the Internet fucking works
So give me back the good old days, though I know they really stank
When everyone could seem to tell when you were talking wank
And we didn't all have to go around pretending to be Yanks

Give us back those great ideas that made this nation free
Like the end of season footy trip and our ineff– fuck! Our inefficiency
And if they aren't part of freedom, well, who gives a fuck? Not me
Why find a voice now at this stage, when silence was just fine?
Why learn to talk in coffee shops? It's a fucking wank, for mine
Coathanger one of these effete guys, next thing you know he's crying

The one thing good 'bout dumbing down is you're not so fucking smart
I thought Australia was the country that had a silent heart
It's time we shut fucking up
I know what, I'll start