Talk to anyone these days and you know, it seems
Eventually they'll tell you about some heavy scenes
When they were living with a druggie friend
You gotta look real serious, or at least pretend
While with irreverent awe, like they're reading a Psalm
They tell you about some jerk poking a needle in his arm
And dramatically conclude, "You know, the guy was a freak"
But it's the eighth drug story you've heard this week

Well, I knew a guy, he tops the lot
He wasn't on heroin, crack, or pot
But it was worse than anything out of Monkey Grip
He did the 'happy marriage in suburbia' trip
You know, I still don't know how this guy never got busted
For being so incredibly well-adjusted
While we were all shoving chemicals up our nose
He was out in the garden with a watering hose

At first, only small things began to go wrong
He wouldn't turn up when we were having a bong
But sooner than later, things began to fall apart
He'd take his girl out regular, eat à la carte
He'd look healthy and happy, it was like an alarm
He was collapsing like the veins in my arm
I'll never forget that terrible night, oh, God above
When he told us he was very much in love
So they both bought a house, there was no turning back
They got into it the week that I got into crack
His face was never so ravaged with addiction
As the week he showed me his brand new kitchen
I'd sometimes go 'round there with a cap or two of horse
Tell him, "Kick the habit, get a divorce"
"Your wife's pregnant again," I plead, "This'll make three
If you have another kid you're sure to O.D."

But he's not even listening, he's in some delirium
His wife's doing the dishes and he's begun clearing 'em
"I love my kids, I'm happy," he'd say, satisfied
But don't you know? On the nappy, he was crucified
He's dead now, of course, needless to say
Family wiped off by a drunk going the wrong way
Oh, how many times has it been written, said or sung
That if you live monogamous, expect to die young?

So, you can get into crack, smack, dope or speed
But don't take marriage 'cause this is where it'll lead
You'll experience real happiness, both physical and mental
And if you die, it'll be purely accidental