Ah, here's to the man who's got no name
Just a face in the crowd, looking just the same to me
Everywhere I go, I know who I am

Now, here's to the man who smiles at me
As he shakes my hand so vigorously
He can't figure me out if I'm "A," or "B," or "C."
"D," none of these; "E," all of the above are correct
Do not mark on the test booklet!

Ah, here's to the man in the polka-dot necktie
Don't quite understand, ah, but what the heck, I
Don't give a damn 'cause I know who I am
My little water chickadee, yes

Universal facts apply or philosophy, now
And if you need a heart transplant, I'm definitely the man to see

Ah, here's to the girl who loved them all
And I found her number on the bathroom wall
And it said I could call anytime after 6 P.M
Man, was she ugly!

Ah, here's to the guy who's got chapped lips
From eating too many potato chips
And I cracked up when he smiled at me and almost bled to death
Yes, I know who I am. Yes, I know who I am
Now, before we bring out the crippled monkeys here on our show
Yes, I know who I am
You better not go for your gun, kid, or I'll shoot you where you sit
Yes, I know who I am. Yes, I know who I am