(Beth:)
In dreams I heard the tale of fantasy
A fan of Schumacher's Phantom movie
Though in reality we know it bites
The Fandumb of the Opera won't see
This movie's trite

(Fandumb – video-only skit:)
Wait, are you singing verbally or mentally?
You keep going back and forth
Oh, come on

(Fandumb:)
Sing praises and admit this movie's great
And Gerard Butler is a musical saint
Though Phantom fans believe this movie's shite
The Fandumb who's not Gerard Butler's there
To make things right

(Beth:)
Though parts might be okay
This film's a mess
Along with Butler's strange
Dueling accents

(Fandumb – spoken, video-only:) It's Scottish, doing French, doing English
(Beth/ Fandumb:) That's great/odd to focus on

(Beth:) Give it a try

(Fandumb:) Don't want to try

(Beth/ Fandumb:) The Fandumb of the Opera is...

(Fandumb – spoken:) Totally awesome and sexy and dark and cool
And did I mention sexy?
Now sing real high

(Beth:) He's weird, the Fandumb of the Opera

(Beth - wordless vocal solo)

(Fandumb – spoken, video-only:)
Sing marginally well. That's...actually a little too good. No, you sound interested in what you're singing! Don't do that! More breathing! More gasping! Have the lungs of an asthmatic! Stop! You sound like a person people would pay money to actually listen to! Remember your training! Sing like-a me!!