[Verse 1]
As Martin said to Xanthe
As they played with wooden toys
'You may have Wendy's playhouse
But where the hell's your boys?'
As Paul said to Fifi
As they eyed each other up
'You may have better plimsoles
But you can't pee standing up'

[Pre-Chorus 1]
And I'd like to take the time to bite
Their neck and make it bleed
Or maybe I could cut holes in their
Daddys' Harris Tweed

[Chorus]
(I can't put-put my finger on it, on it)
And I can't put my finger on it, finger on it
Maybe it's something in their food
(I can't put-put my finger on it, on it)
And I can't put my finger on it, finger on it
All I know is Christ would've sued

[Verse 2]
As Sharon said to Jamie
As they sat down for a chat
'If you think I'm cooking dinner
Well, prepare to eat dead rat'
As Debbie said to Alex
As they held hands in the park
'How come you wear Rupert check
When you think you're so hard?'
[Pre-Chorus 2]
And I should've done his Land Rover
To let him know I'd been
Instead I wrote 'F OFF'
On the dirt across his screen

[Chorus]
(I can't put-put my finger on it, on it)
And I can't put my finger on it, finger on it
Maybe it's something in their food
(I can't put-put my finger on it, on it)
And I can't put my finger on it, finger on it
All I know is Christ would've sued

[Bridge]
I wish I'd let them know that I was here
A drop of arsenic in the wine, sulphuric acid in the beer

[Chorus]
(I can't put-put my finger on it, on it)
And I can't put my finger on it, finger on it
Maybe it's something in their food
(I can't put-put my finger on it, on it)
And I can't put my finger on it, finger on it
All I know is Christ would've sued