[Chorus]
Oh help me, please doctor, I'm damaged
There's a pain where there once was a heart
It's sleeping, it's a-beating
Can't you please tear it out, and preserve it
Right there in that jar?

[Verse 1]
Oh help me, please mama, I'm sickening
It's today that's the day of the plunge
Oh, the gal I'm to marry
Is a bow-legged sow
I've been soaking up drink like a sponge
"Don't you worry, get dressed," cried my mother
As she plied me with bourbon so sour
"Pull your socks up, put your suit on
Comb your long hair down
For you will be wed in the hour"

[Chorus]
So help me, please doctor, I'm damaged
There's a pain where there once was a heart
I'm sleeping, it's beating
Can't you please tear it out, and preserve it
Right there in that jar?
Yep
Oh help me, please doctor, I'm damaged
There's a pain where there once was a heart
It's sleeping, it's a beating
Can't you please tear it out, and preserve it
Right there in that jar?
[Verse 2]
I was trembling, as I put on my jacket
It had creases as sharp as a knife
I put the ring in my pocket
But there was a note
And my heart it jumped into my mouth
It read, "Darling, I'm sorry to hurt you
But I've no courage to speak to your face
But I'm down in Virginia with your cousin Lou
There'll be no wedding today"

[Chorus]
So help me, please doctor, I'm damaged
You can put back my heart in its hole
Oh mama, I'm crying
Tears of relief
And my pulse is now under control
Yeah