[Intro: Natalie Portman & Chris Parnell]
We're sitting here today with film star Natalie Portman.
Hello.
So Natalie, what's a day in the life of Natalie Portman like?
Do you really want to know?
Please, tell us.

[Verse 1: Natalie Portman, The Lonely Island, Seth Meyers]
I don't sleep, motherfucker; off that 'gnac and the durban
Doin' 120, gettin' head while I'm swervin'
Damn, Natalie, you a crazy chick
Yo, shut the fuck up and suck my dick!
I bust in dudes' mouths like Gushers motherfucker
Roll up on NBC and smack the shit outta Jeff Zucker
What you want Natalie? To drink and fight!
What you need Natalie? To fuck all night!
Don't test me when I'm crazy off that airplane glue
Put my foot down your throat 'til your shit's in my shoe
Leave you screamin', pay for my dry-cleanin'
Fuck your man, it's my name that he's screamin'!

[Interlude: Natalie Portman & Chris Parnell]
I'm sorry Natalie, are we to believe that you condone driving while intoxicated?
I never said that I was a role model
But, what about the kids that look up to you? Do you have a message for them?
[Verse 2: Natalie Portman & The Lonely Island]
All the kids looking up to me can suck my dick
It's Portman, motherfucker, drink 'til I'm sick
Slit your throat and pour nitrous down the hole
Watch you laugh and cry; while I laugh, you die
And all the dudes, you know I'm talkin' to you
We love you Natalie! I wanna fuck you too!
P! Is for Portman! P! It's for pussy!
I'll kill your fuckin' dog for fun, so don't push me!

[Interlude: Natalie Portman & Chris Parnell]
Well Natalie, I'm surprised, all this from a Harvard graduate?
Well, there's a lot you may not know about me.
Really, such as?

[Verse 3: Natalie Portman]
When I was in Harvard I smoked weed every day
I cheated every test and snorted all the yay
I got a def posse, you got a bunch of dudes
I'll sit right down on your face and take a shit!

[Bridge: Andy Samberg & Natalie Portman]
Natalie, you are a badass bitch (Hell yeah!)
And I'll always pay for your dry-cleaning
When my shit gets in your shoe (What!)
And as for the drug use, well I can vouch for that
My dick is scared of you, girl
[Interlude: Natalie Portman & Chris Parnell]
Okey-doke. Natalie, one final question: If you could steal a smooch from any guy in Hollywood who would it— [*chair slam*]
No more questions.

[Outro: Natalie Portman]
What!