[Verse 1: Andy Samberg, Akiva Schaffer, Both]
Walk in the party with my dick in my hand
Then straight to the bathroom with my dick in my hand
You wanna step up? I got the brick in my hand
Then leave your ass face down with my dick in my hand
I'm Mark McGwire-y, buff, not wiry
Alex P. Keaton is who I admire-y
And I know that it's true, 'cause I read it in your diary
Your spirit, your bat, and your crotch, all fiery
Bash Brothers, fast lovers
We be fuckin' faster than chattering teeth
Chattering teeth
We're two little jackrabbits fuckin' in our cleats (Ooh)
All you silly billy big ol' titty biddies (Hahahaha)
Wanna see my willy-dilly vibing me willy-nilly
And we getting silly honeys but I don't mean silly funny
Snow bunny, city bunny, even Ms. McGillicuddy
And we're making silly money while you play with silly putty
Then I'm bashing with my buddy and I'm bashing with my buddy
Wearing fashion with my buddy, playing saxes with my buddy
Snorting a relaxant while evading taxes with my buddy

[Bridge: Andy Samberg, Akiva Schaffer, Both]
I'm a gladiator (I'm a gladiator)
My body's a machine (My body's a machine)
I hit home runs (I hit home runs)
'Cause I'm focused as fuck
Where is the limit? (There are no limits)
And what is the goal? (To make dad love me)
To make dad love me (To make dad love me)
To make dad finally love me!
[Verse 2: Andy Samberg, Akiva Schaffer]
I got one hundred cardboard cutouts of Kathy Ireland
All in one room
I run through that shit naked
Make 'em all watch me fuck myself with a broom
Oh, Kathies, all my Kathies
You're the only ones that know my pain
And you're the only ones that see my shame
Ayo, José, come on, man, we're late for the game!