[Verse 1: Akiva Schaffer]
Papa, did you see me hit a homer last night?
I lit the stadium on fire, I was Oakland's pride (Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Daddy, did you see me?
(Look what I can do, yeah)
Daddy, do you hear me crying? (Crying)
Daddy, can you see I'm dying? (Dying)
Oh, Dad
Tell 'em, José

[Verse 2: Andy Samberg]
Ever since little league, middle school, middle league
Always played technically perfect like a symphony
Little me got much bigger, faster, stronger, Dad
Hit it so long, but you always want it longer, Dad
But therapy's for losers
Little boy, therapy's for losers

[Verse 3: Akiva Schaffer & Andy Samberg]
Buy all my steroids in bulk (Costco)
Wanna get big as The Hulk (Hogan)
Stronger than Wolverine teeth (Logan)
Answer to "Where's the beef?" (Slogan)
First, I put on my jock
Then both of my socks
Parachute Hammer pants and my Reeboks
Hot tub inside a limousine at Chuck E. Chee'
Dad, look at me
[Interlude: Reporter, Andy Samberg]
José, heard you went on a pretty hot date the other night. Care to tell us about it?
Hey, come on. You guys know I don't kiss and tell

[Verse 4: Akiva Schaffer, Andy Samberg]
Oh, I went on a date with Madonna
She said that she wanted Cuban babies
She seemed like a smart business lady
But I didn't find her physically attractive
I went on a date with my mama
Took her out for all-you-can-eat shrimp
She said she was proud of her baby (That's me)
So, I guess we both had a wild week
Therapy's for losers, Dad said
Therapy's for losers

[Outro: Akiva Schaffer, Andy Samberg, Both]
Keep your mouth shut
No snitchin'
About the steroids
No snitchin'
About the steroids
About the steroids
About the steroids
About the steroids
Don't fuck up a good thing while you got it